I don’t generally write here about non-ttc things. I’m not an online/social networking/blogger type at heart. (See above under: Will not join F@cebook) When I decided to give this whole blogging thing a whirl, I made a vow that the focus of this blog would be ttc and little else would get brought up. But today will be an exception because there is another issue in my life that is so big, so pervasive, and now, so utterly intertwined with ttc, that I have to write about it. That something is my job.
Without spelling it all out for you…I’m in a very, very small and competitive field. I went to grad school forever and a day (basically my entire twenties) only to come out the other side underpaid and underemployed. The problem with the path I’ve chosen is that there are not enough jobs for the deserving people out there applying to them. And so, even with a fancy graduate degree and other nifty credentials, there remains a very real possibility that you won’t get a job in your field. Like, at all. Like, ever. And you will have to do something else that you try to convince yourself is not just second best.
I have been applying to jobs and looking for work for every single one of the months that we have been ttc. I’m employed right now, in a temporary, ad hoc kind of way, but I’ve spent the better part of two years applying to permanent jobs, even ones in fields adjacent to where I’d really like to be, in the hopes of finding something permanent that I like. That I love, really.
When I apply to the “big jobs”–the ones that I would be extraordinarily thrilled and lucky to have, I’m usually throwing my application into a ring with ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY other applications. For one job. Yes, you read that right. And it’s not like this is a fabulous time to be looking for work of ANY sort.
So, in these months and months and months of job searching, I’ve had little to no success. I’ve had rejection after rejection after rejection. Some roll off my back and some break me into pieces. And can I just say that now, after 16 months of ttc and 24 months of job searching, that I am DONE? Seriously. I don’t think I can keep doing this anymore. Keep putting myself out there and keep getting hurt. This is just too much continuous disappointment for one person to take.
Every job no has started to feel like a BFN. When I cry about one, I inevitably start crying about the other. The process is so similar–you try and try and try and don’t get anywhere. And the final prize seems both ridiculously amazing and impossible to get.
I keep looking for a way to _stop_ doing one or the other of these things so that I’m not primed for double-duty disappointments every month, but there really is no choice right now other than continuing to do both until one (or both) changes. I don’t know what the lesson is here or why I have to struggle so much right now. Sure, I’m learning things about patience and endurance and not having control and perseverance and trying to remain optimistic. But I’m also getting hurt over and over and over again and I’m just so ready to stop.
The only way out is through.
what a complete nightmare! i am so impressed that you have made it through so far. the thing is, is that you will still have the pain if you stop… the pain of not having attained the things that mean the most to you. at least when you are trying, there is the CHANCE of getting there
sadly, what i am saying is that there is no getting away from the damn pain by stopping 
sorry!
I think this post is totally about ttc. I can’t imagine the strain of putting yourself out there – repeatedly – and weathering disappointments – repeatedly – on two fronts. You’re a tough cookie, that’s for sure.
I’ll keep crossed fingers for a breakthrough on one (or both!) fronts sooner rather than later.
This is awful. I was going to ask you how the job search was going…I didn’t know how mind-blowingly difficult it is.
Seriously, one of these things has Got To Give. You deserve so much more than this.
There are no words, this is so unfair. I struggled in a temp position for about a year and a half before the agency decided to hire me on permenantly, but 2 years of not being in the field you’ve worked so hard for is too much.
And ttc is just one heartbreak after another.
I wish I could just give you a hug right now.
I agree, a totally appropriate post.
And also, *HUGS*. I can’t imagine the repeated double pain.
Oh, my soul sister. At least in the non-Facebook vow. I’m sorry. This is insane. I’ve been consulting/freelancing for over a year now, and it is not the most practical choice on a lot of levels, but I’ve stuck with it. Just two weeks ago, I saw a *perfect* for me, in my tiny corner of my field, and believe it or not, in my city, fulltime job, and I still haven’t applied. I have been beating myself up and wondering what the hell is wrong with me. Your post helps me to see that I am just so terrified of rejection and failure at this point. I’m in awe of how much you’ve been putting yourself out there. Much love. And bandaids for the gushing wounds.
I wish the universe would stop giving you all these challenges and would fill at least one of these huge holes. And I mean right now. It’s too much and I wish you didn’t have to face all this disappointment.
I didn’t know you were dealing with this in addition to the ttc. You are under an astonishing amount of stress right now and I have so much respect for you and all of your hard work. At some point your hard work will pay off, it will. I hope it happens much sooner than later.
xoxo
“Whom best I love, I cross; to make my gift,/ The more delay’d, delighted” -Jupiter, Cymbeline
The sentiment might be annoying right now (sorry if it is) , but I find a tiny bit of comfort in the fact that these words have been resounding with people since Shakespeare’s time and even before. Sometimes the human experience sucks… but then again, it’s comforting to remember it doesn’t suck so much that we ttc-ers wouldn’t wish it on another.
I am so sorry you have to deal with double heartache all the time. One thing has to give, and soon. Big hugs to you.
Ouch. How I wish that weren’t the way for you. I hope that you get twin encouragements (is that the right word?) soon!
Don’t feel weird over blogging some real life non-tcc frustrations, because you’re right – they are all intertwined. Growing together like vines.
Right now I’m facing unemployment in a month, after two years of a contract that everyone kept reassuring me would go perm. It’s not easy facing year two of TTC in this predicament! Rest assured you are not alone, we understand what you’re feeling. Big hugs.
It’s a ton of stress and you are amazingly strong to keep pushing through it. You have no idea how much I admire your determination in the achivement of both of these dreams. It is certainly beyond time for success in both areas, but as we all have learned, there is no rhyme or reason to who get success easily and who must struggle for it.
I myself put one dream on long term hold to focus on another. There’s a small part of my soul that is sleeping until some point far off in my future. But you are letting your soul search freely for all of the dreams that you want. And yes, it makes you that much more vulnerable to heartache and disappointment. But you are so very strong, and I know that you can endure. And I hope with all my heart that success is just around the next corner for you.
job hunting and ttc are probably the two most stressful things in the world — doing them at the same time must take amazing strength. i am hoping for you all the puzzle pieces align soon and you are settled in your new, awesome job with a very round belly!
We’re here for you, ttc or non. You’ve got an immense load on your shoulders – I’m not sure I could do it with such grace! I’m hoping you find some peace (and a positive) soon.
I really do know this feeling. I’ve been applying for full-time gigs for about five years now and to no avail. There is nothing like constantly living on the edge with one’s career, never reaching that goal you set so long ago for yourself, and feeling like you’re wasting years of education. It’s so hard and it’s so much like the disappointment of TTC. Having to deal with both sorts of disappointment at once is unfair, and I hope beyond hope that at least one of these works out for you soon. It is beyond time for you to catch a break, my friend. xoxo
Here from LFCA: It is tough and they always say what doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger. I sure hope whoever that somebody that said that was right.
It sucks to be on the market–sounds like academia in general–and in the stirrups. You’re right to seek protection. Is there any thing you love or truly want to do–I don’t know, learn to hang glide or raise goats or throw pots or grow the perfect carrot–that you have some control over? Some rewarding activity you could give yourself as a treat or a gift, to help shield you from all the wretched disappointment?
It’s really, really hard to hand in there, even if we know we’ll get through it, if there’s not a glimmer or accomplishment of joy in there somewhere.
Hoping you find it soon.
I’m really, really sorry. It is pretty bad out there for someone in my field too (law) where we are. I essentially was made redundant because they asked me to choose between ttc and my final year of study, and I couldn’t – for obvious reasons, and so I had to leave. I’m in my second week of unemployment, forced, for the first time in nearly a decade, and I am scared sh*tless and applying for jobs, getting rejections because the market is just crap. You’re so right though, the only way out is through. Your words and attitude are the right way to deal with this crap. Just another charming hurdle in this life game thing.
Here from LFCA and sending you hugs
I totally hear you, on both fronts. We’ve been TTC for the better part of two years, and am also looking for a job in a competitive field where there are hundreds of applicants for every position. The good news is that on the job front, I’ve been here before, and I’ve succeeded in gettin a position. It CAN happen and DOES happen, both on the baby front and on the job front. I know it’s hard to keep putting your feet in front of each other sometimes. Sometimes a break helps. And sometimes, when you least expect it, something really good will happen. Hang in there. You will find your way to job satisfaction and a family somehow, some way, if that’s what you want for yourself.
HI I came over from LFCA. I just wanted to say that I understand where you are coming from and both things are really stressful. Maybe a break from the job hunting will help…you never know what might just come your way! Thinking of you.
I am VERY familiar with both of the worlds that you are writing about here– I guess the only thing to say, really, is that the only was out IS through, and you are doing everything you possibly can to get to those lights at the ends of these tunnels. And you will. This will not last forever, although that is exactly what it feels like.