Poppy’s most recent post about adoption has had me thinking all week about the whole “need to be pregnant” thing.
I’ve written before about how fundamental the desire I feel to experience pregnancy is. It is something that I can remember craving for my entire life. At around 11 or 12, it struck me that some women are never able to achieve pregnancy. When I realized that could potentially happen to me, I was devastated. At 12. I remember thinking very clearly one moment: That would be one of the worst things that could ever happen to me in my life.
Anyway, you get the point. Its this primal, fundamental, deep, all-life-long desire. Need really.
But ttc when the sperm don’t come easy really makes a girl look at all these things under the microscope. And more than once, it has occurred to me that if I do not get to the pregnant place, then I will likely have to CHOOSE to stop ttc at some point. That is to say, there will probably not be a doctor that will look me in the eyes and say: “tbean, I’m sorry. You will never be pregnant.” Barring some catastrophic uterus incident, it will probably always remain possible for me to get pregnant.
So, the question becomes, how far am I willing to ride this ride? How many months/years will I spend on this pursuit? How many dollars? How much heartbreak? It has forced me to question my need and to try to define and quantify it.
The thing is, I’m not so sure why the biology thing is important to me, or even if it is. I mean, I don’t need to stare into my child’s face and look for my nose or my eyes. I don’t really care so much about having a genetic link to my children. But I do know that not getting to experience pregnancy and birth would devastate me. So, I guess for me, it’s really more of an issue of wanting the experience of pregnancy and not the biological need for a child of my own genes.
But even still, thinking about giving up on my own eggs and needing to use S’s eggs, or donor eggs, makes me sad. Another post for another day.
I’ve keep myself on the hook about this for quite some time, trying to find some way that I can JUSTIFY these wants. As if what I’m asking for is too much. And it occurs to me that few straight women have to justify their desire to have a pregnancy and a child. It’s the damn lesbian double-standard. It reminds me of six years ago when S. and I were planning our wedding. I had come out to my fairly open-minded grandparents in the context of inviting them to our wedding (they came and had an awesome time) and my grandfather asked me on the phone: “tbean, do you really think this is necessary?” Necessary? How many brides are asked if their weddings are necessary?!?!
Starting now, I’d like to let myself off the hook. This isn’t too much to want or too much to ask for. It isn’t something I need to prove or justify to other people. It is what it is and as long as it makes sense for me and S. to keep trying to get it, we will. And if my worst fears comes to pass–then we’ll go down a different path to family building. But for now, I’m going to give myself permission to go after this with every ounce that I have to give it.
16 responses so far ↓
luckylittle13 // July 10, 2009 at 6:18 pm
I’m so with you on all of this. If anyone were to work as hard to achieve any other goal as we’ve worked to get pregnant, they would be praised for persevering. We are criticized and deemed selfish… Good for you for letting yourself off the hook. We all should. We have babies to make!
Bree // July 10, 2009 at 6:29 pm
Yes, give yourself permission to go towards this lifelong goal. You don’t have to justify your desire to be pregnant, and I certainly hope that your desire IS fulfilled. I’ll be rooting for you. And wishing it were somehow easier.
N // July 10, 2009 at 7:09 pm
You DON’T need to justify it. The only person you need to be okay with it is YOU. (Well, and S.) We all have our thoughts and our reasonings, and you are well within your rights to feel the way you do. *hugs*
cindyhoo2 // July 10, 2009 at 10:49 pm
I struggle with those same feelings. I NEED to be pregnant. I can’t explain. I cannot rationalize it. I can’t even fully think about the depth of the emotion I have around the issue without tearing up. Then I think about all the money we have spent and I get incredibly guilty. The other day, J said something about oure current donor egg attempt likely being our last and I got all frantic inside. But I think the truth is that we do not have to justify this need or quantify our feelings. Yes, we need to know for our own mental well-being where the finish line is…. but it sounds as though you just know that you are not there yet. In terms of accepting the need to use partner’s eggs or donor eggs, oh my, that is alot of grieving. This need to carry a child is so strong. ((hugs))
wishinghopingpraying // July 11, 2009 at 1:02 am
I tell S this same thing every single day. I need to try. I feel it on a level that I can’t explain. Even as two beautiful girls sleep soundly in our home I grieve for the bio child I may never have or even get the chance to try and create.
K // July 11, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Amen! You are so right about the extra scrutiny we face. I got really angry at myself one time for spending too long trying to figure out if we were financially ready to begin ttc. We spend so much energy fretting about the perfect time (as if such a thing exists) and meanwhile, under-employed, 22 year-old (heterosexual) newlyweds are getting pregnant right and left and no one is raising an eyebrow. People just congratulate them and reassure them they’ll make it work and throw them lavish baby showers.
I totally get the specific need to be pregnant, more than the need for a biological child. That’s how it was for me too. In fact, most days I forget my bio connection to our little guy, but I’ll never forget having been pregnant with him. I firmly believe that you will have that experience but I’m sorry it’s taking so long to come.
This is a great post. I hope you’ll remember to read it when you are pregnant so you can pat yourself on the back for persevering.
Tui // July 11, 2009 at 6:24 pm
Fantastic post – you’re so right, you don’t need to justify anything at all. I hadn’t really thought about it in those terms before but we do do so much justifying and defining all of this, and for what – to make other people feel better?
Good on you for letting yourself off the hook – hope it makes the world of difference!
poppycat // July 12, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Me too. That pretty much sums it all up but tbean, you don’t have to justify this need to yourself or anyone else. It is your right as a woman to want for this.
S. // July 12, 2009 at 1:49 pm
you are very right that you shouldnt be required to justify this want and pointing out the double-standard for lesbian vs. straight women. im glad to hear you are giving yourself permission to keep trying, without feeling the need to justify it it anyone.
thebao // July 12, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Just catching up on your last couple of posts and wanted to say how glad I am that you are giving yourself permission to want what you want. You don’t have to rationalize your desires. Like you, I started being scared as a teenager that I wouldn’t be able to have kids. I agree that it is an instinctual, biological drive, and therefore fundamentally not “justifiable” in the sense of being based on a rational, linear argument. That in and of itself can be a scary thing to feel, because we are so used to using our brains to analyze and make choices, and this type of primal desire doesn’t fit into that method. I’m not sure I’m making any sense so I’m going to stop now. I’m glad you are letting yourself off the hook.
Lyn // July 12, 2009 at 7:37 pm
I read this and thought to myself “You really need to read some of the stuff that Bree has written along these lines” but of course she’s already commented…
I’ll second the comments that you absolutely don’t need to justify. I struggled with whether or not it was selfish for me to want to carry, and to work a lot harder to do it since my fertility was finicky, when we knew my wife was ridiculously fertile. I did a little better when I just admitted that I was selfish, but so was pretty much anyone who had ever tried to have a child biologically, it’s just that most folks are spared having to notice.
I’m cheering you on.
reproducinggenius // July 12, 2009 at 9:30 pm
I absolutely understand that intense NEED to experience pregnancy. It is a rite of passage that some of us need to experience. My wife doesn’t feel that at all, and I have friends who don’t either. In fact, one very close friend used to constantly ask us why we didn’t just adopt until I finally had to sit her down and explain to her that the path itself was incredibly important to me. She finally got it. But I was sad that I had to justify this because many women feel this same intense need, as you have so beautifully detailed here.
You’re going to get there, tbean. You’re going to have your pregnancy. I just know you are. xoxo
halfadozen // July 13, 2009 at 9:04 am
Honestly, this post could have been written by me– in terms of how you feel and your desire to be pregnant. I TOTALLY get it. And I also get your desire to not want to have to give up– on yourself, on your eggs, on your dream. And I say you shouldn’t. When we were TTC our son, I had reached the exact point of this post around month 18. The place where I thought it was time to consider other options. And I did it with the heaviest of hearts. And I got pregnant right then and there, and shelved it all. Fast forward to 2009 and I am there again. trying to rationalize why its so important to me to get pregnant again. Why i am aching in my desire to be so. And while the reasons are partly different (and I won’t go into here) the desire, need and pain is no less potent.
Do not give up. do not feel the need to justify. Do not comprimise this most basic desire, this need. You are right– no one else has to justify the desire and straight people that experience IF who don’t have another uterus/egg possibility don’t feel bad for WANTING it because its their right. And its ours too.
This post is beautifully written and raw and just captures so much…. hugs…
strawberry // July 13, 2009 at 10:52 am
I’ll risk sounding like a broken record and agree with the others in that you don’t have to justify your desire to anyone. It doesn’t even matter why you feel the need, you just do, and that’s more important than anything else. And if the IUI’s don’t work, I feel so strongly that the IVF will and I cannot wait to look at you when you have that big belly full of baby. xo
Olive // July 13, 2009 at 2:15 pm
I’m so glad to see this post. Whether you want to give birth and why you want to give birth are questions that are up to you and your partner. As soon as you’re doing AI, though, I think so many people feel like they get to stick their opinions in there about it (I know I deal with this from my mom all the time). But I’m glad you’ve come to this place because it’s definitely not something you need to justify.
Farmer Femme // July 13, 2009 at 4:52 pm
EXACTLY. Once again, you’ve nailed it. I admire you so much.