Thank you for all your righteous anger and indignation on my and S’s behalf. Sometimes one of us will start to wonder if this is really that bad. Then we read your comments and remember to feel entitled to our anger and our sadness.
So far, S. and I have been able to do an amazing job of supporting each other through this, and for that I am so thankful. One of us will meltdown and sob and the other will rally to comfort. Then we’ll switch. Sometimes with only a few minutes between breakdown the first and breakdown the second. But we’re muddling through.
We are in a whole new phase of waiting right now. At the moment, all we can do is just get through this. Whatever this is. And wait for it to be over. Which could be in a week or could take several more.
Once that is done, then we can start to grieve and to heal. We both want to do something to honor the cells (like, I don’t know, give them a name or something) but I can’t think about it without tearing up (just happened now while I typed) and you can’t really start to grieve something before it is completely gone. Given that any pee stick near my urine would produce a positive result at the moment, grieving and moving on are still galaxies away.
Once that process begins, THEN we can start to think about what the eff we do next. But we’re still, as I say, TWO LEVELS away from that. And when I start thinking about using S.’s eggs or IVF the second or S. trying or adoption…my mind tends to overheat and then shut down. Does. Not. Compute.
So. We have a ways to go. And I’m not sure where that leaves me. All the Halloween photos of your beautiful children in adorable costumes and your monthly updates of your growing babies (both in utero and outside) is more painful than ever. I don’t want to step away from this space because I need your support so desperately. But I’m also aware that going through my reader is causing me pain and suffering that is, I guess, somewhat self-inflicted. So, I don’t know what to do. I’m in the muck. Just muddling through from moment to moment and trying to remember that somehow, someway, we will eventually be parents one day. And it won’t matter how our children came to us because they will be ours. And this. Whatever this is. It will be over.
16 responses so far ↓
A. // November 6, 2009 at 9:53 am
You WILL be parents, and wonderful ones.
xoxo
Lizzie // November 6, 2009 at 10:19 am
Love you. You know that.
luckylittle13 // November 6, 2009 at 10:45 am
I’m glad that you and S have each other. All the love in the universe…
Olive // November 6, 2009 at 11:07 am
You will get through this, as impossible as that seems now. I’m glad you are supporting each other through this – it’s so clear that you’re an amazing couple.
Sending my love today and every day.
xo
wishinghopingpraying // November 6, 2009 at 11:28 am
I have been thinking of you. I wish with all my heart that that the this you speak of passes quickly and you can begin to heal. I think honoring is a nice idea. You could plant a tree, a little bit of beauty from such sadness. Sending strength and love to you.
Me // November 6, 2009 at 11:31 am
It WILL be over. You WILL be parents. So wonderful that this is bringing you two together. Finding some comfort in all the pain. You both deserve it. Take care.
He // November 6, 2009 at 11:36 am
It’s true– ‘this too shall pass’ is a cliche but a true one. After having gone through some crazy shit on our quest to have a child, I can tell you that eventually you will have distance on this, and the depression and sadness will pass. But right now it’s okay to feel it all, and put future decisions on hold. I understand the feeling like your head is about to explode when you think of the next options, like a completed cycle of IVF. Just wanted to let you know that others out there have had similar feelings, and have survived.
mulberry // November 6, 2009 at 1:12 pm
xxoo muck sucks! sending love.
J // November 6, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Can we send cookies? Or pudding? I’d figure out a way to send pudding. It isn’t far. We’d like to do something for you and S. Be in touch when you feel like you can. And it’s okay to hate us, too. I spent a very long time hating every pregnant couple I could sear with my eyes.
cindyhoo2 // November 6, 2009 at 7:40 pm
Ohhh, this was so hard for me to read because I know that waiting feeling. The I am ready for this to be done feeling paired with guilt for feeling that way paired again with intense pain and sadness. I wish wish wish there was more I could do to help. As for your reader, that happy preggers and mommies will not mind if you take a break for a few weeks. Self-preservation is the theme of this short portion of your life: decisions about how to move forward can wait for another day. ((hugs))
poppycat // November 6, 2009 at 9:16 pm
You two are doing a beautiful job of supporting each other and it is the best thing you can do to get through this. Take the time you need to heal and don’t rush yourselves into thinking about what to do next. Today is about today and tomorrow will work itself out later.
Sending much much love to you ladies and hoping this part of the hell you are in passes soon so you can move forward.
Two Moms, Two Monkeyss // November 6, 2009 at 10:30 pm
You will make it through this, and you don’t need to think of anything other than eachother and keeping eachother afloat right now…breathe. Ignore your reader for a while, you don’t need any more pain. We are here if and when you need us, nomatter how much time you take.
thebao // November 7, 2009 at 5:10 pm
I’m with two moms, two monkeys: take a break from your reader. We will be here for you, supporting you, and our blogs are there for you to read when you’re ready. You don’t owe us anything.
Sending you lots and lots of love.
Defining Family // November 8, 2009 at 12:17 pm
I agree, please don’t feel bad if you need to take a step back. We are all here for you in any facet that you may need.
Use the space in the way that works for you now. In the way that helps you support each other and helps you to move towards healing.
You will be wonderfully caring, supportive, active and kind parents. And we are all excited for this day to come for you both.
Take care of each other.
Tui // November 9, 2009 at 3:27 am
Damn right, you will be parents one day and this will be over.. but it’s just so effing hard getting there ain’t it.
Be selfish when it comes to blogging, we’re not going anywhere and we all need time out from commenting/reading others from time to time. Use your blog to work for you. Have you ever heard of the cracked vase analogy? My boss brought it up with our team a few weeks ago and I’ve been meaning to blog about it.. I think we all can relate.
I’m glad that you have each other for support and that you’re able to mostly coordinate so well, we’ve been like that most of the time too. And as for decisions, it’s not the time for those now, that will come later. For now it is just about you and S doing what you need to to get through this.
Take care xoxo
halfadozen // November 9, 2009 at 4:02 pm
I send you giant hugs. You should definately take whatever space and time you need… The healing is hard and its indefinite and it comes in waves. I think losing a baby and pregnancy is one of the hardest things a family has to deal with. I am so glad that you and S have each other to hold tight, and I hope that this horrible part is over very soon… Love from here…