In an alternate universe, I would be 13 days away from Pearl’s due date. I would be enormous and uncomfortable and swollen and cranky as all get out. I would be full term and getting those “Anything happening yet?” phone calls. Our guest room would have a fresh coat of paint and a crib in it. Our house would be overflowing with gear. And our wait would finally, finally be at a close.
The day my beta fell, too many of you, who have also walked this path, knew far better than I did at the time the pain that would follow me around for the next 36 weeks of my pregnancy-that-wasn’t. I remember your outpouring of love and support and realized, even then, that I felt only a shadow of the grief to come.
Now, at the end of this “phantom” pregnancy, this un-pregnancy, this miscarriage thing…I think I get it a little bit more.
For me, a miscarriage now lasts a full 40 weeks. Every single Sunday, without fail, I have marked, in my head, how many weeks I should have been. In the fall there was the shock and the rawness and the repeat beta hell, the unending chemical pregnancy. In the winter, I was in hibernation, buried in work that I love. But in the spring, that’s when it started to get harder. Cause when I went out in the world, I saw all these women with big, round bellies. All these women, who I knew, conceived in the fall and were awaiting their summer arrivals. There is no mistaking it anymore. When I see a hugely pregnant woman now, it is like looking into a funhouse mirror of what could have been. What should have been. I can guess when they had sex to make that baby and I’m pretty good at estimating how many weeks they have left. And I just stare and think…that was almost me. That was almost us. That could have been us. That should have been us.
It’s that almost that gets me.
I guess this will continue. In a month or two time, I will start to look at fresh-out-of-the-womb newborns and think that we should have one of those too.
But I hope, I really hope, that making it past June 27th will ease this weight just a tiny bit. No longer marking on Sunday another week not reached. No longer thinking of how big my belly should have been. I hope that when we finally get to June 27th, I will find a way to let go of a little bit of this pain that has followed me these past nine months. That I will be able to feel a little lighter and a little more free.
If you experienced a pregnancy loss, what changed for you (if anything) after the due date passed? Am I dreaming to think it will get any easier?
For all we have in common, I don’t know what it’s like to wait this wait – I wish you didn’t have to know either. I hope things get easier after Pearl’s due date. More than anything, I hope next June 27th you’re holding your precious baby in your arms while you hold Pearl in your heart.
I wish it was easier. For me, after my due date passed it got a little better, but then came Mother’s Day…not such a great time. And now today is the anniversary of our loss, not such a great day either. I’m hoping to feel better one of these days. It comes in waves though. More often than not I am doing alright…except during that Mother’s Day time. That was a dark time.
No, you aren’t dreaming. It will get easier – whether that happens on your EDD or sometime thereafter. The pain never goes away (at least for me), but it *does* get easier. Like the pp’er said, there are other dates that will be hard – the anniversary of your bfp cycle and loss, for example. Be gentle with yourself and take as much time as you need to heal. ((()))
I just wanted to send you love, hugs and peace. I am thinking of you.
Dear T-Bean,
I haven’t been in that place either, but I honor your grief for little Pearl and the loss that you will always feel. I hope that it gets less painful and I will think of you in 13 days and hold you and your family in my heart. (((Big hugs)))
PS how was the week at the beach:)
To me, it did get a little easier after the due date passed. I had a an especially hard time because my sister-in-law was due on the exact same day and so that baby was a living monument to our loss for a while. But time, I really do believe, heals. Now, I honestly could not tell you how old our baby would be. The saddness never completely faded, but our hope returned.
Sending many bear hugs your way. I dont know what that feels like and I can not say I never will. I havent even begun to TTC as of yet. Everytime I think its our time to walk the journey, another crisis comes along. Im held at the starting line when it seems everyone else has gone to make it to the finish line. Mother’s Day is hard for me too along with all my friends’ kids b days that come up and I help celebrate. Im very sorry for your loss. I do know that time does heal all things. Hope, faith, love will always exist. And with these emotions you can hold them in your heart for your little Pearl. I pray for the days of you having a big belly and a wonderful pregnancy and birth
As others have said, for me, it got easier after the due date passed. But so many other celebrations, milestones, brought their almosts and their what ifs. Much love and peace to you at this hard time – and please, allow yourself to have it hard. I felt sort of like I should just suck it up or something ridiculous like that, but Wallaby’s due date was something really special to us. And Pearl’s is to you. Give Pearl – and yourself – the time and comfort that you need. ♥
Don’t forget your little Pearl, but try to find a positive way to remember. See if you’re able to try and mark each week that goes by with something nice – and on June 27th, how about you both go somewhere beautiful, and spend some quiet time allowing yourselves to feel it safely, and together? Talk to each other about the hope you have, and remember everything you do have that you are thankful for.
I’m sorry if this advice is a little out of line as I don’t know you – but i’m sending my best wishes.
M x
For me, time has dulled the pain. It has gotten easier to think and talk about the baby girl I lost but certain days still tug at my heart. To be honest, I’m glad that it still hurts a bit to think of the baby we lost: it’s a way to honor that for a beautiful breif moment, she was alive in my belly (and now only in my heart). Happily though, the remembering moments do get more space between them now and with babies on the way, I find evenmore happy space. So I honor your memories of Pearl and I look forward to your next precious cargo.
I don’t know what this loss feels like, so all I have is the cliche that time heals all wounds. And while I don’t like speaking in cliches, I do hope that this one rings true for you.
Sending you both tons of hugs. I know I would’ve done the exact same thing had that happened to us…counting the weeks, getting anxious/sad/angry around the due date, focusing on the other bellies and babies. I know this time is so rough and hurtful. And I know you’ll make it to the other side and one day have new and exciting weeks to count and an impending due date to focus on. xoxo
I’ve been there.. twice. Last time, we lost the baby when I was four months pregnant. Yeah.. now that is a cruel twist in a pregnancy. She would be 3 and a half. I never forget that. Ever. BUT, we tried again the next month and I was pregnant and now we have a 3 and a half year old son. That makes it so hard because I wanted her SO bad.. SO bad.. yet I have my son and I would not have my son if she had been born.. and he is the most delicious thing I have laid my eyes on. he is perfect in every way and I can’t imagine my life without him. Feeling that way, makes me feel like I ‘m saying it is a good thing she isn’t here which is not true… just such a tough place to be in. It does get easier either way. With my first miscarriage, I didn’t get pregnant for another year. I was 10 weeks when I lost that pregnancy. Even so, I know my daughter would not be here if I’d had that baby and so it puts me in the same boat. When you get your baby.. you won’t be able to imagine it any different and everything you went through to get him/her seems worth it.
That is hard for me to say, again because it feels like I’m saying ‘glad you didn’t make it, because I have him/her’ and that is SO not true… I was devastated and so hurt and still ache for that little girl and wonder what she’d look like but it does get easier… it really does.
I’ll be honest and say that for me it gets harder. As the 2nd anniversary of Blue’s edd approaches, I am amazed at how raw the hole in my heart still is.
That being said, it isn’t as all compassing as it once was. We all react differently. No matter how you feel on June 28th, your feelings are right.
And we will all be here to help you sort them out.
No words of advice here…just tuning in to say that I’m sorry you have to go through this and I really hope it gets easier and that you get to count the weeks to a new pregnancy with an excited heart very soon.
Tbean, I have been thinking of you lately, thinking about your upcoming due date and wanting you to know that I remember your pregnancy and what you are missing. I’m sorry for the pain that comes with this. I fucking hurts.
Watching my due date come and go, while fellow bloggers with whom I shared due dates gave birth to their babies, was so incredibly painful for me. It was bitter sweet to see those new lives come into the world and it occupied much of my mind and my heart. I hated it. I tried to keep myself distracted but it really hurt although it eventually got a little easier. It took some time to let go.
Sending love and wishing you some relief
It’s true, you said it very well.
It doesn’t go away.
I had, for some reason when I was still pregnant, marked the due date in my cell phone. I was having a normal peaceful morning 9 months later when my phone buzzed with the reminder, and it stung so bad. Even having a healthy child later on does not make it better, it still hurts.
Anyway. Sorry – not to make this about me. (I hate when I do that!)
Sending you lots of good thoughts. It does get easier. You don’t forget, but… at the same time you don’t want to forget.
I haven’t been there, but I’m so sorry.