Living in Glee**now with updated first beta

The first thirty-six hours of this pregnancy were spent in complete and utter elation and joy.  I’m not really sure how that happened.  It was like someone came in and gave my worry-wart brain a freakin’ lobotomy.  Unlike last fall, in which I pretty much spent every moment of my pregnancy shocked and terrified, the minute we saw that second line Sunday night, we were in full embrace mode.  We hugged and screamed and cried and jumped up and down, just like I always pictured we would.  The world instantly became a brighter, cheerier, happier place and I instantly became a brighter, cheerier, happier person.  I swear to God it was fucking unicorns and rainbows shooting out of my ass.  Gross, right?

So here’s how it went down.  Unlike last time, in which I really felt very few symptoms at all (and the only mild symptoms I felt were post beta), I’ve been having symptoms since 24 hours post transfer.  Honestly, I can say that I really did know I was pregnant.  Even though the 8 days of waiting were hell and even though I was fucking terrified out of my mind, if I could let myself quiet down and get into a zen place (a place I had mere glimpses of) I had this feeling that I was.  You know?  I just felt like I knew.  Of course, I’ve had that feeling many, many, many, many times before and always been wrong so I pretty much learned to beat the living shit out of my intuition.  So I tried to dismiss what I was feeling at every turn.

It became difficult to deny the belching, however.  Cramping and brea.st tenderness are so easy to dismiss.  It’s pms.  It’s progesterone.  It’s all a matter of degrees–are they really sore?  How sore?  A little bit?  A medium amount?  But I knew something was up on Saturday when I started belching non-stop.  For whatever reason, this is my tell-tale early pregnancy symptom.  It is one of the only things I remember from last October.  And on Saturday, I started burping NON-FREAKIN’-STOP.  Unlike the other symptoms, burping is pretty tangible.  It’s audible.  Other people can validate that it exists.   It’s hard to dismiss outright.  And while I can crank in a few good burps on any ordinary day, the sheer volume here had me aware that something was changing.

On Sunday we went to our former BD’s wedding to his now husband.  It was a beautiful day and a beautiful wedding.  We drove home the ninety minute drive and I spent every second in sheer panic and terror.  I knew we would test when we got home and I felt SO SO pregnant but was sure that I was making it up a la Terry Schuester in some sort of hysterical pregnancy.

So.  We got home.  I peed on a stick after only holding my pee for 3 hours.  I was trying to decide if I wanted to leave the room while the test did its thing and as I was wondering what to do, I looked at the liquid move across the window and I could see the positive line coming up even before the control line started to appear.

Cue the screaming and the jumping up and down and the tears.

As you all pointed out, it was a very, very dark line.  Much darker than the control line.

And between that dark line, my complete and utter lack of spotting so far (HOORAY) and my bevy of symptoms, I was able to embrace Sunday night and Monday the way I always wanted to but feared I never would for infertility would have robbed me of that joy.

So, my symptoms so far:

• tired (but this is mostly the progesterone so far)
• cramping  (The cramping started on the night of 6DPO, just 24 hours after transfer.  It has continued on and off throughout the week.  It feels just like period cramps, which is exactly what I’ve been told before.  There has been a moderate amount of cramping.  Some mild, some so strong that I stop what I’m doing and hold my abdomen and take a deep breath.  And then it goes away for awhile.)
• brea.st tenderness (Different from my usual achey, pms soreness, this is more of an overall sensitivity.  Plus, I get these searing pains, almost like burning or electric bolts, that zing through certain areas and come and go.  Those started on day 9 or 10)
• I am nauseous.  Already.  I get nauseous when I haven’t eaten for a few hours.  Then I eat and I feel nauseous for the first 20 minutes after eating.  It’s mild right now but I fear a mere glimmer of what’s to come.
• Vivid, vivid dreams.  Including two dreams about finding out I was pregnant.  And one sex dream that included the big “O” on about 7 or 8 dpo.
• The burping.  Oh good lord, the burping.
• I think my non-stop crying on Wed/Thur/Fri was partly hormonally fueled
• Bloated in the afternoon/evening
• Increased thirst

Not a bad list, eh?

So yesterday we did things I never DREAMED we’d do.  We told our parents and siblings.  We told Friends 1 and 2 (my two closest friends) and just generally basked in everyone’s tears and elation. We took a digital test.  We photographed said test.  We text messaged the photograph to Friends 1 and 2 and my mom.  We cheered after each belch.  We read and re-read and re-read this amazing outpouring of love from all of you in our comments.  We stopped hating pregnant women and people with babies.  We went out to lunch because the embryo wanted french fries.  We felt like we had become different, better people overnight.

S. has a bean necklace that I gave her for Christmas (in two thousand fucking seven) to wear during my pregnancy.  She wore it when we were pregnant with Pearl and yesterday she put it on again.  I wanted to have something that I could also wear, to recognize this pregnancy.  So after lunch, we went out and bought me a necklace.  And afterwards, we walked into St@rbUcks and what were they selling?  Little plush turtles!

Me with the heart necklace and the new turtle

S. with the bean necklace

Over dinner last night, we could just stop commenting on how good we felt.  I never thought, after a loss, that I would ever, ever celebrate a positive pregnancy test they way I did yesterday.  But I am so grateful for that day of jubilee.  The complete lack of fear and the full-on embrace of euphoria.

Today I’m in a more reserved place.  We had my blood drawn this morning for our first beta and all the beta stress is coming flooding in.  I’m still me and I haven’t completely lost my mind.  I know how many more hurdles we have to clear.  I will take all the great beta thoughts you have to send my way.

I have a million more thoughts and things to share but let me leave it here for now and I’ll update later this afternoon with our beta number.  Before I go though, I want to get all spiritual and shit.  I just have to say, I’m an atheist and I’ve never been the praying type.  But you guys, I just feel so filled to the brim with all of your thoughts and prayers and wishes and love.  I know I said the other day that we all wanted this and no one could give it to us.  But yesterday, in a way, it felt like you really HAD given this to us.  That you had created this wellspring of love and support and generosity and prayer and somehow, somewhere, the universe had listened.  And for that, I will forever and always be humbled and eternally grateful.  Thank you from the bottom of my cynical little heart.  I love you all.

*****

Just got the call.  My first beta, at 15dpo is:

572!!

Yes.  You read that right.  I know what you are thinking ladies…go easy on me with the t-word, okay?  One step at a time!!!!  Repeat beta on Friday.