So last week we packed up the turtles and drove 400 miles to visit with S’s extended family. It was the boys first trip up there and their “debut” in the land of S’s birth. We spent most of the week schlepping them from place to place and random relative to random relative. It was not a baby-friendly trip and there wasn’t much in it for an 11-month old, but our guys were total troopers about it and the trip was mostly a success.
S’s very beloved grandfather, who passed away in 2004, was a twin. In fact, he was not only a twin, but he had a twin brother. So the fact that one of his four grandchildren went on to have twin boys has been very significant in S’s family. Last week we had a big dinner in which that whole side of the family was together. S’s mom and her sister (the two children of her late grandfather), all four of their kids (S., S’s brother, S’s two cousins), their spouses, and all of the next generation of kids.
Prominent on this guest list was S’s aunt. (Her mom’s sister, her grandfather’s oldest daughter.) Said aunt had a MAJOR falling out with the family almost ten years ago over (among many other things) our wedding and the general gayness factor. After informing us, via letter, in no uncertain terms, that she would NOT be attending our “commitment ceremony” (she refused to call it a wedding) she basically stopped talking to either of us for about 7 years. She would act like a child and refuse to acknowledge my presence or say hello to me whenever we were in the same place. She refused to mention my name to anyone in the family. She behaved like a total asshole. It wasn’t pretty.
Things were basically at that standstill (perhaps marginal improvement had been made) when we announced the pregnancy. And S. and I held our breath while we waited for her reaction. I fully expected it to be even more of her bullshit. Which would have meant that we could NEVER have these family gatherings again. Because there was no way in HELL we would allow her to treat our children that way. But instead, she shocked the hell out of us and accepted the pregnancy. Hell, more than that, she embraced it. She started emailing S. and facebooking her and asking about how I was doing and how the boys were. She sent us a card ADDRESSED TO BOTH OF US when the boys were born. (That may sound like a small thing but for her it astronomical.)
Part of us goes–well–babies are magic and thank GOD she stopped behaving like such a bigoted ass and thank GOD she loves our boys. Part of us.
But there’s another part of me that is bugged by her about-face. And I can’t help but wonder if there isn’t this whole biological connection (she knows the boys were created via S’s eggs) and the whole “next generation of twin boys in the family” thing that has made her acceptance possible. That would have been withheld had the boys come from my ovaries.
When she showed up at the dinner, she had gifts for the boys. (Another shocker.) But she also had printed a series of old, old photos of S’s grandfather and his twin when they were babies that she gave to S. (She often comments on FB photos about how one of the boys looks like S’s grandfather.) And then she spent a lot of the evening trying to take one of the turtles out of my arms and parade him around.
It just bothered me. As much as I don’t want to go looking into the mouth of this particular horse, it makes me miffed to find that suddenly, now that I’ve produced S’s genetic kids, I’m OKAY in her book. I’m back in the family.
All of this was part of a larger aspect to the week which was the focus on S’s clan. Everyone we spent time with (even the octogenarian relatives) seemed to understand how the boys were conceived and want to raise/reinforce the genetic tie to their family. As much as most of it was harmless and unintentional, it often made me, and my role as the turtles’ mother, marginalized. I spent a lot of the week feeling like more of an outsider than I usually do around S’s family. Feeling insecure about my relationship to the boys and feeling slighted every time someone wanted to play the “who does this baby resemble in our family?” game.
It made me want to hold the boys even closer to me. To constantly display (hence this post’s title) my mothering role. I’ll admit I was happy we were on this trip in the middle of “stranger anxiety” phase, because both turtles are currently slow to warm up around new people and eager to reach for me (and S., but more often me) when feeling overwhelmed in new settings. I felt this annoying need to constantly PROVE my bond to them and desire to stake my claim. I’ve found, even when around my family (although here only my parents participate in this) that people are eager to try and claim our boys as theirs. As part of THEIR family. That was very true all last week. And I’m VERY glad to be home where we are a family of four and I don’t have to share them with anyone.
Ugh. How difficult! Glad to hear you’re all back safely and getting back to life as per usual.
I think about situations like this often and think I would respond the same way, being SUPER MUCH the mom.
Oh man, I’m sorry, and I know what you mean. In the beginning, I heard a LOT from S’s family…mostly her parents…about how Curly resembled Nutella or resembled them, or that he did this and that just like so-and-so. I still hear comments every now and then like that and they truly piss me off because wtf does it matter. I recently told Nutella about this and she definitely tries to put a stop to it when she hears things like that being said. It’s been nearly 3 years now that we’ve been parenting him…that I myself have been parenting him, so I feel much more secure about it, but it’s still way annoying as well as eye-rolling. At least you don’t have to see them much?
I know exactly what you mean. The first genuinely happy reaction we got from Kim’s family was when we announced that she was pregnant. Everything before that – that we were together, then we were engaged, then we set a wedding date – had not been received well at all (not as bad as what you described with the aunt, but bad enough.) But the pregnancy seemed to change everything. And then E. was born and the whole “he looks so much like our family” game drove me INSANE and still does. It makes me feel like my role in their creation is totally insignificant, even though I know that’s not true.
Good for you for making it through the trip without losing your cool.
That’s not fun at all. My dad really came around when he found out I was pregnant but then his interest really dropped off about 6 months after S was born. I think she was
a novelty and he was excited about all of that biologically related crap only to realize it didn’t change anything else. I have a hard time believing people change when hate is involved. ):
Yes. Conspicuous parenting. I’ve definitely done it, and we have very well behaved relatives. We pretty much shut down resemblance talk at first (monosyllabic answers were sufficient), but later opened up to it and are now do it as much as anyone else. If it comes in a context where you know you are embraced and respected as a parent, it really isn’t threatening. But when you aren’t, or don’t yet feel secure, it sure doesn’t feel so good.
Is there any shot at communicating directly with this Aunt? I’d want to in your shoes. Some backstory on the about face might help you trust her more (or justify your caution but I’m hoping for trust — I have family that has deeply changed in this regard, so it does happen).
i don’t think i’ve ever commented here before but this post definitely hit close to home so i wanted to chime in. i also did IVF and carried my partner’s biological child. my family is much more accepting than hers. when we first decided to get pregnant i was worried that her family would not accept or bond with a child that i carried. when our plans changed and we decided to do IVF with her eggs i was relieved that we didn’t have to worry about them not accepting our child because he/she would be related by blood. but now that he’s here (just a few weeks older than your boys) it definitely irks me when we are with her family and they constantly talk about who he resembles and what personality traits he is going to have because of his genetics. on top of that, my partner chose the name Baba and I am Mom/Momma. her family refuses to use that name and constantly refers to her as Mom. they pretty much don’t refer to me at all, sometimes it’s like i’m not even in the room. so frustrating!
glad you’re back home and away from all that.
Yikes! My partner’s and my immediate families are very supportive of our relationship, and it still occasionally makes my partner feel left out when my parents talk about how our son resemble various family members. I can imagine it would be even harder when it’s not clear that these folks recognize and respect you guys and the turtles as a family.
My mother constantly brings up things related to genetics – how Christopher looks just like my dad, acts just like me as a baby, blah blah blah. Both S and I find it very upsetting and offensive. In their most recent visit, S told my mom that these comments hurt her feelings and my mother then decided to pick a “nature vs. nurture” fight with us – it got really ugly. I’m glad we live near S’s family and not mine because they treat us like equal parents 100% of the time and therefore we can really limit Christopher’s exposure to that nonsense.
My mother spent a lot of time asking about my twins “father” (thanks mom, they don’t have one on purpose) and my paternal grandfather had already almost disowned me but completely did once I got pregnant. He told my dad he already was a “great grandfather” (to the children of my uncle’s STEPchildren – no biological component whatsoever). At my brother’s wedding, my dad had me bring my daughter over to my grandfather and pronounced “See dad, she’s from her eggs. HER eggs.” REALLY??????? He’s a great grandfather to his step grandchild’s child, but whether or not my twins share my blood matter? I was so mad, and am very angry still over this.
My mother asked me, when we were trying, if it was a “good idea” to get pregnant. The list goes on. I’m sorry you had to deal with this. We’ve toyed multiple times with living closer to my family (for my brother mostly and his family) but the idea of living with that with my mom on a daily basis stops me.
Oh. My. Goodness. I could write a book on this particular annoyance. R’s family goes on and on and ON about how our twins look like various people in their family. I was hoping it would ease up as the girls grew, but that hasn’t happened. It drives me absolutely insane. I’m afraid I’m going to snap one of these times and say something rude. Enough already! Aaargggh.
ugh, ugh, ugh. glad you’re home.
i admit i like it that the bean looks like me (though plenty of people go out of their way to say he doesn’t which hurts my feelings more than it should) and like my father, and i bet sugar would say my family cares too much about it. (to be fair, my mother mostly talks about how much the bean looks like sugar’s father.) but the truth is that i am terrified of what her family would/will be like if she has the next one — already her aunts, who saw me 6 months pregnant, claim to have forgotten which of us was pregnant, bc the baby looks like sugar’s dad. this is sort of cute and sort of annoying. we did choose a donor who might look like that side; can’t that be enough without erasing me?
maybe i should write my own post, huh?
We each gave birth to our own genetic babies, and our families both constantly remark on their appearance, and it gets REALLY tiresome. I realised though, that even if we were straight and both biologically related to them, it would till happen. It’s not any less annoying, and I wish they were more thoughtful.
There is also a certain amount of fantasy involved. When people don’t know, they still remark on appearances that are plainly not true.
The stuff with the aunt sounds tricky. You are probably right about it, but then it might also change in time, with a more genuine acceptance of you. But in the end, it looks like a LOT of people find it tricky to navigate, even those that are completely accepting.
Hopefully it passes with time?
We did have one lovely reaction from a distant relative who claimed not to know which one came from which mum. It was a complete lie, but a beautiful heart warming sentiment.
Like others: I could also write a book on this! I hate it for you. It’s a big deal (I reassure you as I reassure myself, because sometimes I wonder if I’m overreacting, being too sensitive) to feel left out by these types of comments. There is much commentary amongst Uno’s relatives about how J. resembles his granddad. Which, okay. They resemble each other. But there’s all this other stuff underlying those conversations: Uno is an only child, so J is the male heir, and because he doesn’t have a dad, there’s extra inference about Granddad’s important role in J’s life. Again: okay. I hope they have a good relationship. But that genetic connection leaves me feeling marginalized, and I hate the emphasis on it, just as I am uber-sensitive to all comments about how much J loves being around his masculine granddad (those come from Uno’s stepmom). He’s 16 months old! He’s not thinking about gender! I do think that J’s being a boy makes this all more loaded, and wonder if that’s true in other two-mom families – as it sounds like said aunt is emphasizing the turtles’ connection to the grandfather.
Sending support your way. Nothing wrong with giving those boys an extra squeeze and feeling grateful you can return to your nest with them, knowing that your nuclear family is the most important thing in their lives. And you’re awfully patient and kind with that aunt, considering how she’s treated you in the past. You’re clearly the bigger person. Just sayin’.
You need to feel how you feel. And there is probably some truth in this. But maybe there is more there too.
My brother was adopted into our family (before I was born) and my grandfather was dead set against it. Until they put him into his arms. Then he was a baby, something real and part of the family, even with no biological link. I think he was just scared of the unknown.
When I first came out, one of the only negative comments I heard from my mom was that she would never have grandchildren (I think she thought I signed away my uterus). Now I have the boys and she couldn’t be happier. She does not care at all that there is no bio link to her. They are her grandchildren.
There is a chance that S’s mom is like these guys. You represented the loss of something that in the end may not have even mattered. You’ll never know though so deal with it how you will.